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Murphy's laws on sex

Murphy's laws on sex

Theater award for the last act

Sex is often referred to as an "act" precisely because the characters, as in the theater, often turn it into a cheap and false farce.

The law of growing expectations

The more money he spends on a date, the more he expects after the date.

The modern decline of chivalry

Don't be too surprised if during your date it doesn't occur to your partner:

1. Bring a light to your cigarette.

2. Help you cope with the coat.

3. Open the door in front of you.

4. Throw your coat over the top of the puddle.

5. Gallantry is still alive today - at least in part. Your partner will be happy to help you take off your underwear.

Disgust when seduced

The harder he tries to seduce you, the less you want it.

The best defense

He will never score a goal unless you let him make the first pass.

A small dose of foresight

You don't have to puzzle yourself over whether he will respect you in the morning if you reject him in the evening.

Sexual preoccupation

1. Some people think about sex all the time.

2. Some people never think about sex at all.

3. There are many who never think about anything at all.

The period when they start to stop breaking

At 17, girls' voices begin to break ... from "no" to "yes".

Essential little things

Do not deal with a man if:

1. He does not brush his teeth before going to bed in the evening and before returning to bed in the morning.

2. He sleeps in his pajamas.

3. He snores.

4. He doesn't believe in kissing.

5. He does not believe in pre-erotic play.

The most important promise

Promise him anything you want, but give only a refusal.

In the bachelor's lair

If you prefer to meet on "his territory", you probably won't find there:

1. Moisturizer.

2. Clean towels.

3. Tweezers.

4. Disposable razor.

5. Contraceptives.

But you will probably find:

1. Dust deposits under his bed.

2. Someone's long nightgown.

3. It is not known whose earrings.

4. Dirty sheets.

5. Hair of several different shades in the sink drain.

6. Ring of dirt around the bath.

Get smaller

Here are the questions that are removed once and for all if you get married:

1. Should I invite him to come in?

2. How far can I let him go?

3. Should he be allowed to stay overnight?

4. Will I hate myself in the morning?

5. Will he still respect me after that?

6. Will he call me again?

Sexual obsession

The sooner you go to bed with a man to "take sex off the agenda," the sooner and more surely it will become the centerpiece of your relationship.

The annoying side of the word "no"

Some men think that the more you say no, the more you mean yes. So what do you say if you really mean no?

The problem with kissing

Someone who is good at kissing is not easy to find.

Oh, this talk about kissing

1. If you tell your girlfriends that he is an amazing lover, they might want to check it out for themselves.

2. If you tell your girlfriends that he is a weakling and slob, how will they look at you when you change your mind and jump out to marry him?

Necessary clarification

When a young man reports that he has been trying to kiss his girlfriend on the neck all evening, then it would be necessary, in fact, to clarify which neck he had in mind.

Quantitative nuances

1. The more you do it, the less you really want to do it.

2. The less you do it, the more you really want to do it.

Unintended result

1. A man's desire for sex sometimes leads to intimacy.

2. A woman's desire for intimacy often leads to sex.

Boredom Barrier

The more often you have sex, the more boring it gets, but the less often you have sex, the more boring you become.

Forecast of feelings

1. If you do not do this, you will be sexually concerned.

2. If you do it yourself, you will be alone.

3. If you do this with your love object, you may experience frustration.

Consequences of cohabitation

1. The longer you have lived together, the less often you have sex.

2. The longer you have lived apart, the more passion in your sex.

The peak paradox

Women reach their sexual peak at about the same time that men fall into their sexual hole.

Axiom of age

You are never too old to enjoy sex. If you can't do it yourself, you can always watch it on the screen.

The most erogenous zone

1. The most erogenous zone is the mind.

2. The best lovers have the dirtiest minds.

Woody Allen's objection

Sex is not dirty at all ... unless you do it "scientifically."

Moaning about duration

The longer it lasts, the more it hurts.

Night games

Sex is the only sport in which games are not canceled due to darkness.

Unhealthy curiosity

If there is no sex after death, then who cares if there is life after death?

Sex as a medicine

The best remedy for an active sex life is a few years of marriage. The best remedy for an active sex life is a few more years of marriage.

Medical fact

It's much more fun playing doctor than going to a real doctor.

Difficulties of the preparatory period

The longer you spend in the bathroom getting ready for sex, the more likely he will be asleep by the time you're ready.

Race track report

Good guys always end up last.

Uppercase truths

1. First came, first served.

(This is a formulation of one of the classic disciplines of behavior in the so-called queuing systems.)

2. Better late than never.

Prophylactic agent

There are many methods for preventing premature ejaculation. The only one that guarantees against any accidents and mistakes is amputation.

Degree of difficulty

Faking an orgasm is easy. Simulating an erection is much more difficult.

Imitation factor

The slower your lover, the more you have to resort to deception. If fake orgasm doesn't stop him ... fake sleep will probably get you going after all.

Explanation of terms and concepts

1. Lust is when you want to do it even if you don’t love it.

2. Love is when you do not want to do it because you are too tired, but still do it, despite the fatigue.

3. Marriage is when you want to do it, but don't do it because your husband is too tired.

Fire alarm

The fact that there is snow on the roof of your house does not in itself mean that the fire in your family hearth is out. But if an icicle hangs in the fireplace, then something is clearly wrong with your hearth.

Sexy secret

Wherever you hide your sex magazines, your teen will still find them.

The love / sex / marriage paradox

1. Love without marriage is dubious and unreliable.

2. Sex without marriage is dangerous.

3. Marriage without sex is depressing and melancholy.

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